President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have begun their short visit in the United Kingdom with a day of pagentry, lunch with the Queen in Buckinham Palace, and a sumptuous banquet later in the evening, featuring a dance troupe coreographed by stuntmasters from the “Benny Hill” show. However, two royal house members will not be in attendance : Prince Harry and his bride Meghan Markle, the latter of whom, Trump referred to as : “nasty.” The couple were initially scheduled to attend, until the remark went viral, prompting a devastating response by the royals in the British newpaper, The Queefinham Letter :
“I will not be meeting with the American President, because he is nothing but a ridiculous wanker. I find it grossly appaling that he would insult my wife while the bulbous bloody git is shagging a filthy whore more welcome to Whitechapel than Washington. I think that every second the tosser stays in the Kingdom is another second we’re yearning for Trumpxit more than Brexit.”
Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, was repoprtedly in talks with the Queen herself for the better part of the previous evening, offering her advice on how to protect her private parts should the visiting Grabber-In-Chief make any untoward attempts, as well as the proper method for booting an attacker in the balls, should the need arise or the moment call for it.
The evening’s festivities will end with British pop group “Coldplay” performing their hit song : “Yellow” on a set designed to resemble a Russian bordello, and a ceremony known as : “Plonking”, in which President Trump will be receiving the opposite of Knighthood.