Sharia Lawyer to Represent Epstein


The case of accused sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein took a momentous turn this morning when it was revealed by a Washington newspaper that Fahree Daweeheed, an attorney for Sharia lawfirm Wolfram and Hart will be representing him during his hearing.  Daweeheed has a reputation for a spotless record in defense, clearing the names of a Democratic Congressman accused of bicycle theft, a member of Hillary Clinton’s election campaign who allegedly attempted to place C4 explosives on a secret email server, and notably, a black banking employee who planned to steal the rounded-down portions of pennies from millions of bank accounts in order to transfer the funds to Lex Luthor for his nefarious schemes.

He was also charged with attempting to impersonate Ross Perot. What. Too soon?

Daweeheed plans to paint Epstein as an upstanding member of society who donated countless thousands to charities, built himself from the ground up, and followed the letter of the law.  A key point the attorney intends to make is that Epstein, being a Jew, followed a key tenet of Sharia - he refused to eat bacon.  Although the prosecution may counter this defense with a witness who dined with the accused in 2011, and insists that Epstein ordered a rack of ribs at a local Chilis, the testimony could be derailied by presumption that they were short ribs and not baby back, and therefore, beef.

In response to the sex-trafficking charges directly, Daweeheed plans to simply emulate the Donald Trump defense of : “That never happened”, and then refuse to allow any witnesses to appear.  Epstein will then relay to the court that he knows what he’s talking about because he’s rich and famous, none of the incidents ever happened, and it’s all a conspiracy by liberal media to benefit Hillary Clinton and Obama.

“Did you put the bottle of Ex-Lax in Trump’s Diet Coke line?”
“Yep. Plus I put a shirtless Liam Hemsworth poster on Pence’s ceiling!”

A police officer who was due to be a key expert witness who took photos and video during the alleged crime scenes that could provide damning evidence against Epstein was unfortunately fired last week for threatening Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez over a satirical Facebook meme, and will no longer be used in the case.

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