Speaker Nancy Pelosi stunned media outlets today by announcing that she had re-thought her previous declaration of not attempting to impeach President Trump. Sources inside Congress speculate the reversal may stem from Attorney General Bill Barr not releasing the full Mueller report, and a raucous evening of Yagermeister shots and dwarf tossing at a local Bennigans.
Pelosi gave her statement from the veranda of San Francisco’s Palace of Fine Arts Tuesday morning at 9 a.m. :
“I’ve changed my mind. We’re going to impeach this prick. I don’t need to see Mueller’s report to know that he’s constantly violated the emoluments clause. Or that he’s suffering from dementia so badly he makes Gary Busey look like Stephen Hawking. Congress will begin filing for hearings within the next 5 days. For the good of America.”
Upon hearing of the announcement, Senator Mitch McConnell was placed in an emergency tank with his favorite little castle that blows bubbles and an extra helping of lettuce to give the matter thought within the comfort of his shell. Also immediately affected was Senator Lindsey Graham, who was so devastated, she ruined her coral blouse with mascara, and cancelled her appearance as a background singer at a Celine Dion performance later this week.