As the faithful gathered this afternoon for a wonderful reaffirmation of American values, the spirit of brotherhood, and unyielding support for the greatest leader that America ever had – a YouTube virtual Obama fireside chat – across the country there was also a gathering of soon-to-be ventilated nursery school dropouts in Tulsa, Oklahoma to hear impeached President Trump badly wiggle both chins through speeches designed to appeal to human beings less intelligent than your average string been.
During the rally’s start, absolutely no one reported a rush by security services and police to apprehend and arrest twelve members of Antifa, a loose collection of citizens that Mr. Trump considers “terrorists” because he doesn’t understand that being anti-fascist is exactly what this country is about. Then again, the morbidly obese dementia-patient-in-chief doesn’t understand why his wife has two hour meetings with secret service agents in a broom closet on a daily basis either.
Joe Barron, Antifa’s Head of Fictional Attacks explained the civilly disobedient disruption.
“So we had a few guys, Bobby and Ken, and their girlfriends Shelley and Tanisha, and they wanted to go to the rally and hand out postcards and what not. Tanisha was gonna sell some jewelry because it’s conservatives, so there’s a lot of plump old Jesus women there. Well, she put it on her Twitter, and some more people wanted to go, and this guy we know who works at Trader Joe’s, he brought a bag of apples so we didn’t have to eat Trump’s Fart Sandwiches or whatever they were selling there. The next thing we know, security rushes in, says the apples are ‘projectile weapons’, and arrests us. Although none of that actually happened, we had to get our stories straight because our buddy Jimmy isn’t supposed to drive because he has seventy two unpaid parking tickets. Seventy-two. That’s hella tickets. You know, brah, just park a little farther away from the Gamestop. It’s not like they’re gonna suddenly run out of DOOM.”
Had any of this actually happened, I’m sure Fox News would have been all over it and exploding pacemakers and colostomy bags across America with a serious-faced Sean Hannity near hysterics. However, nothing really happened except dipshits gulping down viral spores and trading midget porn.