Rush Limbaugh just may survive lung cancer, according to top doctors in a field related to the illness. His tumors stand a good chance of “disappearing altogether,” according to one specialist, who says he is “nothing short of a miracle.”
Another expert in the field, Dr. Art Tubolls, PhD, MMA. DTF, says Limbaugh’s condition may not qualify as terminal at all if he keeps going the way he’s going:
“The science here is very clear. Instead of massive rounds of radiation and chemotherapy, which have been proven not to work in every patient who does those things and still dies, Rush has been eating plenty of dandelion greens, oysters, and rhubarb and has begun a daily regimen of essential peppermint oil infusions and prayer.
“It’s amazing what the power of God and his magical plants can do. We’re chalking this up to a true miracle.”
Limbaugh’s spokesman says Rush is very pleased with the results and that he recommends that everyone get on board with the treatment plan:
“The first thing you need to do is buy some prayers from Joel Osteen. He has memberships starting at just around the price of your electric bill, which you won’t need to pay if you have God in your life. The food and essential oils are sold seperately and come blessed by four different televangelists, including that nice lady who speaks for God in the White House.
“Rush is a true believer, and because of that, he will live another 30 years.”
Some specialists disagree, pointing out that the doctors Rush is seeing don’t have “traditional” medical training or any kind of diagnostic equipment to make the claims they’re making, but they are obviously fake news. If Rush wasn’t getting better he’d begin looking really old and sickly, which he isn’t.
We reached out to Osteen, who refused to comment, but a member of his team told us that with Limbaugh’s sketchy past of racist, sexist, and Islamophobic comments, it’s more likely that he made a deal with the other side for his recovery. Either way, we’re glad he’s sticking around.
God bless you, Rush Limbaugh. You’re a true American hero.