President Trump Issues Immediate Pardon For Arrested Border Militia Leader

Larry Mitchell Hopkins, or Two Finger Gus — as his friends know him — was arrested for doing his civic duty and helping to secure the border. The FBI says because he’s a “felon,” he can’t be around no guns. According to the New Mexico Democrat governor, the “lawlessness at the border” has to stop, and he ain’t talking about the people coming across. He called Ol’ Gus a “dangerous felon who shouldn’t be carrying a loaded weapon around women and children.”

No…that seems a bit severe. Typically when a Trump supporter has been charged with a felony, it’s because their rights were violated during the Obama administration. In this case, violent assault couldn’t be proven, so they forced him to plead guilty to a lesser felony. They’re not even mad about the right crime!

President Trump isn’t having it. Our source inside the West Wing says a dispatch was sent to the border to cease and desist all complaints against Gus. He has been issued full immunity and a Presidential Pardon for his felony. The dispatch has to legally be delivered in person, so official channels may not see the communication in time for Gus to have Easter Dinner with his family.

It’s okay, Gus. Jesus is with you in your cell, giving thanks for all the lives you saved by stopping all those terrorist children seen in the videos. You’re a true hero.

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