Contractors at the Clinton Compound Uncover a Gruesome Discovery That Bill Can’t Explain

The Clintons are having a new mansion built in the foothills of Westchester County, New York, just a few miles from their current location. The house, a 14 bedroom, 5 bath mansion, is being built on an old foundation the Clintons have owned for decades but never developed.

When contractors found an unusual discovery, however, they contacted authorities. Art Tubolls of AT Contracting and AMWAY sales, says he’s never seen anything quite like it:

“Those folks had a tent city set up in a clearing that it looks like they used for swinger parties. This wasn’t something from the past, either. It was like…ready for use. The main cabin tent is a nearly-permanent structure with heat and electricity and everything. It was really weird.

This makeshift home base was filled with paper towels, bottles of personal lubricant and bowls full of condoms. A back area dubbed “the Toy Store” sold lewd masturbatory items with Bill and Hillary’s face on them.

“We called the cops and they came, but they couldn’t find anything ‘illegal.’ They said the Clintons owned the property and they were welcome to do things like that. Consenting adults and such. Apparently they even have a sales tax number.”

The discovery wasn’t the last of the story. First, there was the Clinton response to the report:

The Clintons named this photo “Please go Phuck Yourselves” before releasing it to the public.

 

We went back to the site to get the final word from Mr. Tubolls but were met with another gruesome twist. Mr. Tubolls had been involved in an “accident” and the crew was waiting for the safety Inspector to sign off:

Tubolls was a beloved member of the community known for taking on just about any job handed to him. He’s served his country…on both sides…for his entire existence. He will be missed.

Tubolls had been mistakenly used as asphalt, which the government bills at $48 per square yard. The Clintons were nowhere near New York when it happened, of course, and Tubolls’ entire family seems to be missing, so no help there. If the police don’t get some answers soon, they say they may have to consider foul play.

It looks like we’ll have to add another name to the list.

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