A House bill sponsored by Speaker Nancy Pelosi passed late Friday night, effectively outlawing any and all public Tater Nation gatherings of more than two taters carrying firearms. That restriction is relaxed to four taters if they are riding Rascal scooters and are carrying enough snacks. The restrictions do not apply to taters carrying Nerf guns or those unable to distinguish the difference between an AR-15 and a blunderbuss, which is probably most of them. The restrictions also do not apply to taters legally hunting in the woods because, well, Darwin.
Sitting on a one-legged rocking chair on his sagging front porch at the run down trailer park he affectionately calls home, Grand Tater Steve Aschbaucher of the Potatriot Lodge in East Cupcake, Indiana, was defiant:
“She can go to hell. We will hold our militia meetings at the trailer park every second Wednesday for field exercises by the porta-potties in the sheep pasture as scheduled. We used to meet at the Lodge, but I can’t afford gas for my rusted out minivan and the battery on my Rascal scooter is dead as a door nail. We have every right to exercise our second baahmendment. Nobody can stop the Tater Nation.”
Pelsosi spokeswoman Sandy Batt defended the bill:
“Let’s face it, in the current crisis we can’t have a bunch of idiots running around with guns. Half of them couldn’t hit the side of a barn and the other half couldn’t find the barn even if they walked face first into it.”
Once again, I would like to thank the reader for bearing with me and the total nonsense that I write. You are a true Patriot. If you were a Potatriot, you wouldn’t have made it this far. So let’s all celebrate Patriotism by clicking on the cake below and baking an All American cake: