In a corporate move that shook the cable news network world to it’s core, Ted Turner and Warner Brothers, the owners of media giant CNN have finalized a back-room deal to outright purchase conservative upstart OAN, or One America News and all of it’s holdings and properties this Monday.
The deal was approved by monopoly watchdog group Regulation Ahoy, led by guitar billionaire Joe Barron, who also owns controlling shares in the Clinton Foundation and Oxy-For-America Pharmecuticals. Rumors began as early as Saturday that CNN bigwigs had planned to liquidate the station, which had made a name for itself by being even more openly stupid and etreme than Fox News, beating it lie-for-lie by about 6 to 1. OAN also took pride in hiring disgraced former Fox personalities like Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck, both of whom admitted to freebasing horse tranquilizers and sleeping with pundit Judge Jeannie Pirro during a Christmas party.
Spokespeople for Warner, however, have assured their shareholders that they would not shut down the junk news network and cause pacemakers across Alabama to short circuit. Instead, insists Turner himself, they intend to use the acquisition for the good of America:
“OAN is more or less, currently, a dumbing down of Fox News, which is a lot like celebrating the birth of a mutated son to Phil Collins. You know, just when you thought it was as dumb as it could get, the curtain moves even 50 spaces more the the right. So, we’re planning on using the infrastructure that is already built up to launch a channel that will feature still images of Hillary Clinton, the Obamas, and Al Sharpton flashed in rapid succession for 24 hours. We think the resulting epileptic fits that trump supporters suffer within the first three days alone should raise the IQ of the electorate by about 200 points. That’s saving America, people. That’s making it great again.”
The format change is due to take place at the beginning of April, when many conservaties, still confused from March’s daylight saving’s time change will be disoriented during morning and afternoon prime time viewing slots, and will be most receptive to indigistion and incidents of bowel relapse.