NSA Confirms: Buffalo Protester Was Carrying ‘Sophisticated Spy Equipment’

The NSA has confirmed in a classified report that the infamous “Buffalo Protester,” a 75-year-old man pretending to be an activist, was carrying a piece of sophisticated spy equipment. The report, leaked by a Democrat on the Armed Conflict Assessment and Reporting Committee, shows that Samuel K. Beckett was no innocent protester:

“This man was carrying a piece of spy equipmnent so sophisticated we don’t actually know all of its capabilities. What we do know is it didn’t have the capabiliy to save the man from being pushed, but it was able to somehow make him fall harder than a regular fall. Beckett kept calling out for someone named Al to come and save him. We think ‘Al’ might be a codeword for his Iranian handler or possibly some kind of Muslim pseudonym.”

Beckett has refused to comment, saying he’s quite certain someone else was in his body at the time trying to make sure “history didn’t forget” what was supposed to happen that day:

“I was in a room in 2036 trying shawarma for the first time while the incident occurred here in our time. Apparently, someone had changed some stuff and since the Legends of Tomorrow weren’t available, they sent the Quantum Leap team. It was very effective. I never even felt the crack to the skull. I woke up and the world will never forget.”

Whenever there are issues involving spy equipment, the spy claims to be crazy. The NSA report says this piece of tech could have easily jammed police frequencies, making it impossible for Buffalo police to organize beatings of peaceful protesters. There’s also some speculation that the device can record in holographic templates, allowing Antifa to see what’s happening in real-time at their base in Agrabah.

What’s not known is whether it can transfer consciousness through time and allow human-to-human possession in the biblical sense. That might explain Beckett’s odd behavior.

For now, we can just be happy that this story had a happy ending. The cops all quit to protest not being able to beat people up and the old man — whoever he may actually be — ended up bleeding all over himself. A true win for the City of Buffalo.