Press Conference Held Up For 11 Minutes By Shiny Object

President Trump saved the lives of dozens of reporters and Secret Service agents today when he stopped a press conference for 11 solid minutes. According to reports, the president was in the midst of a speech about something that may or may not have been a combination of topics including the economy, foreign policy, Benghazi, and Obama’s birth certificate, when he lost focus and looked sharply up and to his left.

The liberal sciencers immediately decided that meant he was accessing his creative side because of an episode of The Mentalist, but the reality is, he was actually following his ROTC training from Wharton and remaining still in the face of danger. Sarah Huckleberry Sanders explained to the White House press corpses:

“President Trump looked up and saw a shiny object that distracted his attention. He immediately believed there was a sniper in the rafters of the press room and held fast to be sure it remained trained on him so everyone else could get to safety. President Trump is a hero.”

“You people are always trying to twist things.”

One reporter asked Sanders why the president didn’t attempt to alert anyone for nearly 11 minutes until he believed the threat was over. “You people are always trying to twist things,” Sanders replied, “alerting the people would have compromised their safety.”

There you have it, libbers. The president stood still, willing to get shot, so the people he was trying to save wouldn’t be endangered by him doing anything. He’s a genius in every single way. Can you imagine if he had moved and that gunman had started firing in there? Hundreds of thousands of people would have potentially died and at least 6 would have been military guys dying for your freedom. This is why we need Trump.

While the White House doctor has already cleared Trump for all incidents through the end of his term, some people are trying to slander his good name by saying he looked more like a “sad, distracted old man” than a hero. Whoopi Goldberg laid into him on the View:

“Well, first of all, the White House Press Room is 12 feet high and has a plaster ceiling. So…none of this makes any sense, but then again, it’s 2019 and Donald Trump is president. We really don’t know what to expect. What’s sad is, this isn’t the most ridiculous thing he’s done. Not by far.”

Democrats across the country are hanging their heads in shame that they didn’t back this truly heroic man. Vice-President Mike Pence has already nominated him for the Presidential Medal of Freedom. It will be his third.

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