What began as a show of support for women’s reproductive rights may have ended tragically for former Presidential candidate, secretary of state, first lady, senator, and “what difference does it make-er” Hillary Clinton this afternoon at Pumpkin Poke, Alabama’s Planned Parenthood facility. Witnesses described what they saw as a “terrible freak accident” befalling the visiting dignitary, most likely resulting in her demise.
Authorities believe Mrs. Clinton began a tour of the grounds around 11 A.M., and paused for a lunch around noon at the facility’s cafe, “The Umbili-Grill”. From there, she excused herself to make use of the restroom. Investigators believe that Clinton may then have taken a wrong turn and entered the medical storage room, when the door safety-locked behind her. The timing was unfortunate, as the series of events occurred exactly to coincide with the automatic daily sterilization sweep at 12:45, when the room is first filled with an acidic foam, and then purged by creating a complete hermetic vacuum. It’s assumed that should Mrs. Clinton have somehow survived the foaming, the following lack of air or pressure would certainly have caused her feeble body to implode, thereby deleting her permanently from humanity’s Email server.
When security managed to unlock the door nearly three hours later, the only clue to the missing Queen of Suspicion’s presence was a small shred of pantsuit. America will have to be united and strong to carry itself beyond this unimaginable and unlikely tragedy. But that is the America we are. Unimaginable. And unlikely.