God Downgrades America to #2

The Lord has sent official word to the heads of all His churches that he is officially downgrading America to Number 2 in the global ranking, just behind Canada but still ahead of the Dutch by a mile.

According to God’s Metatron:

‘”America claimed God nearly 300 years ago, and to be honest…we all thought it was cute. Then, you won independence, built stuff, yada yada yada…we voted to get behind you a bit.

The 20th century was a big one for you. You were instrumental in defeating pure evil twice. Had your kids not been born total assholes things might be different, but alas…it is what it is.

Now, the big guy himself has stepped in and determined that your return to the 19th century isn’t quite what we’re looking for here in the real world. Y’all screwed up the planet. He’s been telling you for decades, but money over matter.

Not to be all preachy, but get your shit together. Another flood is coming and this time it’s your own damned fault.”

We tried to reason with MT, but he was very clear that “as an archangel, your words are meaningless to me. Please stop speaking.”

The decision means that America will no longer be able to invoke the name of God in any of its prayers, oaths, laws, or declarations and that it no longer qualifies as a “Christian Nation.” It remains to be seen if there will be a war on Christmas in the region.

We’ll keep you developed on this updating story.

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