America’s First Son is a national treasure. At only 14 years old, he knows four languages, has made over 17 million dollars in the stock market, and is his school’s number 8 fencer out of his entire class of 16 caucasians. But all of that seems to have fallen into a very serious Greg Kihn band style of jeopardy this week, as liberal protesters stormed his private school, outraged by their grant of over 30 million dollars of stimulus funding.
Just hours after notifying the boy’s mother Ivanka, the Mayonnaise Institute for Vanilla Children notified the local police of a crowd of roughly-dressed people between the ages of 5 and 50 carrying profane signs and throwing rocks and bottles at the school’s facade. Damage had already been done to the Don Henley White Music Hall, and windows bordering the entire north side of the Kirsten Dunst Master Race Theater were broken to shards. Headmaster Joe Barron told authorities that the attack was like a gang war during Pearl Harbor:
“They came out of nowhere. They’re jealous liberals, angry that we got more money than we could possibly need from the stimulus funding that’s meant for the lower class plebes, or whatever. Like the President’s other son’s book says. Triggered. We keep one in the Kid Rock Library, but so far, nobody’s checked it out. I’m just afraid someone might get their tie ruined or their fanny pack plundered for prescription medications. May the mercy of David Duke fall upon us.”
Barron is not currently at the school, since it’s been suspending operations due to pandemic social distancing guidelines. But let’s all pray that his room in the Dr. Phil Dormitory Building remains untouched and safe for his return.