Surprise Raid on Rudy Guliani Finds ‘Closetfull’ of Cocaine


It was a shocking scene this Wednesday morning at an estate in the upper West Side of New York’s Queeferwind Heights district, the location of the 12-bedroom property owned by former mayor and Trump attorney Rudy Guliani.  Excersizing a federal warrant, arriving in seven black armored SUV’s, a phalanx of federal ATF agents swarmed first the perimeter, and then the interior of the mansion while neighbors and onlookers stood mere yards away.

Sandy Batt, Guliani’s personal housekeeper answered the door and reluctantly allowed the heavily armed detail to search the premesis.  Reports came just before noon that agents had found nearly thirty-eight pounds of high-grade cocaine packed in sealed bags, inside of what had appeared to be a linen closet near the upper master bedroom.

“Si, the jefe-sito, sometime he want i make him sandwich with coca and squirrel-pepperoni.”

Sergeant Matthew Apone issued a warrant to retrieve and arrest the 76 year old Trumpian nosferatu, and told a group of media investigators that the drugs were only the beginning of the sordid discoveries.

“Within the residence, we also discovered what appears to be a hidden dungeon-like chamber underneath the kitchen pantry.  A forensic team has so far collected DNA samples and blood that may match several missing area prostitutes.  Lab results are currently being formulated.”

“There is also ample evidence of a second room, dedicated to photos of former President Donald Trump with various unsavory figures and Guliani himself, including ‘Jared from Subway’ and serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.  The investigation remains ongoing.”

Guliani’s neighbor was also arrested for attempting to snort one of the bags using a 500 foot long silly straw.

Guliani himself has not made himself available for comment, and his current whereabouts are unknown.  His wife and cousin is refusing to comment to authorities or press, and has hired high-powered attorney Harvey Birdman to handle her possible part in the oncoming case.

The bust holds a dark cloud over the reputation and character of the former barrister for disgrace of a former President Trump.  More on this story as it develops.

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