Witnesses described the scene yesterday at St. Malcom’s Memorial Park in Tartar, Alabama as : “Like watching an indoctrination video for Satanists.” Without warning just after noon, a large group of protesters and activists, some sporting the logo of a local Mormon Antifa cell, took over the central area of the public space and toppled a 97-year old statue of Christian icon Jesus Christ. Police were slow to respond due to the appearance of an unarmed black man supposedly “minding his own business” a few miles away.
According to Parks and Recreation department head Ron Johnson, the destructive act was a clear violation of civil code 0U812, and carries with it a criminal penalty of a thirty-three dollar fine and possible jail sentence of an hour and a half so the perpetrator will learn himself a good lesson. Sandy Batt, a local Christian woman who volunteers to stand on corners and yell at teenagers to pull up their pants, told media sources that the criminals were completely out of control.
“These kids were completely out of control. You would have thought it was some kind of Wayne Brady rap concert or something. Jesus did not hang from the holy cross so that these thugs and Antifers could pull him down like a pair of Milton Berle’s hilarious bloomers. This is what happens when we take God out of our schools. We end up with a generation of multi-colored animals running around wild like atheist monkeys. I just hope *President Trump and his wife Ivanka will do something about this travesty.”
The pieces of the statue are being collected by church authorities to be sealed inside of a seaside cave for three days, the expected period for the monument’s Deadpool-like healing process to repair it completely.