Drunk Nancy In Critical Care After California Quake

The truth is right in front of you

Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in critical care at Our Lady of Perpetual Patriotism Hospital in Southern California following injuries suffered during one of her drunken benders in the middle of this morning’s horrible earthquake.

Witness statements of Pelosi’s accident are consistent. She was seen leaving the Governor’s Mansion.  Or, more accurately, she was seen being thrown from her nephew’s home by an angry Gov. Newsom shouting, “Just get out Aunt Nancy! And don’t come back until you’re clean!”

From there, eyewitnesses put her staggering down the street, flask in hand, taking occasional swigs while screaming,”I run this country mo**erf***er! I’m the speaker of the house!” to all who passed by.

“She was in rough shape,” said Stephen Christiansen. “It’s really quite remarkable what an effective leader she is even through all these blackout binges.”

Then, the quake hit. The earth shook and buildings fell.  And the ground opened up in humongous zigzag lines……..and Pelosi, who was oblivious to all of this as she relieved herself in the bushes at the side of the road, was swallowed up by the earth.

Lacking adrenochrome, Pelosi had legal documentation drawn up seeing to it that she received extensive plastic surgery to “give her youth” should she ever be hospitalized in a coma.

Fortunately, the fall was witnessed by a group of search and rescue personnel on their way to a rescuing convention or something else that would have them all together prior to an emergency, and they were able to leap into action. Pelosi was saved and transported to hospital.

The Our Lady of PP spokesman was not optimistic of her chances of survival :

“Currently, Mrs Pelosi is in a coma made worse by the fact that her blood alcohol volume is 35%. I’ve never seen anything like it.

The hospital death pool has odds of her survival at 10:1 against. If she makes it, I’ll be filthy rich.”

Thoughts and prayer, Pelosi. Thoughts and prayers.

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I refused to evolve and wrote fake news for cash, so I got fired.

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