Study Says Supporting Trump Makes You Healthier and Helps You Live Longer

A new study released this morning by a group of independent researchers says that supporting Donald Trump will make you healthier and help you live longer. The study, from an undisclosed group of Facebookers with research degrees from various schools, shows indisputable evidence to back its claims.

One researcher’s statement made a searing impression:

“To support Trump is to support all that is good in the world. It is to promote truth. It is to absorb science. You will find that, much like the President, not a whole lot can slow you down when you do everything right, all the time. Trump supporters do more right because they are hardly ever wrong. They see right through all the lies society calls the truth and support him anyway. That kind of blind devotion adds to a person’s well-being, which is tied directly into how long they live.”

Researchers like Jim970 and Genny71, both with degrees from the University of Phoenix’s online nursing program, say they’ve never felt better in their lives. Genny told us:

“When you’re confident all the time and always winning, you get better. I was diagnosed with stage 3 corneal sarcomaplasty last winter and while I lost an eye, all my hair and a quarter of my grey matter, I’ve never felt better. Being at the rallies and among people who don’t see me as some poor lobotomy patient who talks kinda like a 3rd-grader on her mom’s allergy meds.”

(Genny’s quote was paraphrased as she is largely incoherent from brain surgery).

Jim970 said his life was extended by at least 10 years when he retired early in 2017 — because Trump’s economy was so good:

“I was able to leave the field and get away from the daily job that had been killing me for decades. Thanks to Trump, I was able to just let all my employees go and sell my company to a liquidator. Whole thing made my family rich. Sure, 18 families had to find a new job, but they still have stocks.”

Critics say those stocks, which are worth on average a nickel on the dollar after a company is liquidated, will come back to haunt people like it did Jim970. His wife told us Jim passed away in late 2018. Under new Trump rules, Jim couldn’t get Medicare for another four years. That was fine, but when they went to the Obamacare Marketplace, they were denied for Jim’s pre-existing condition.

In the end, Obama took another good man.

Ultimately, however, the study shows that nearly everyone who supports Trump lives longer than expected. Some scientists cite Dunning-Kruger, which states that if you have enough people excited about a person or idea, some of them could stop breathing for a minute or three here and there..

Be the first to comment