Vatican Endorses Trump as ‘Official Emmissary of God”

His Sainthood is finally recognized!

Months after his official visit to Rome, President Trump was informed today that Pope Francis has declared him the “official emissary of the Lord” to the American People. The role, typically reserved for a Bishop or Cardinal of a large American diocese, means that Trump alone will be able to offer absolution to the church’s elders here in the states.

Archbishop of Tijuana, Art Tubolls, called Trump a racist:

“He’s a racist.”

Trump acknowledged the Pope on Twitter, calling it a “great honor” to be overseeing the Church, and promised to keep it at the “administrative level.” We pieced together a short series of tweets into this nearly coherent statement:

“So great. And the confessional. It’s such a huge, huge thing. And the trust that comes with that is between me and God now and we’ve done great things. Great things for the company and great things for America. When the Bishops come and the Cardinals come and they have the little boys it’s not good. They won’t want to be good. There are many, many that are good and there are some, I assume, that are very good. And there are the worst. There confessions will not. They won’t go well.”

Real Christians from across the Bible Belt and the Rust Belt are applauding the Vatican for taking the power of the pedophile away after more than 1400 years of torment and giving it to Donald Trump.

Democrats are quick to point out the blatantly false accusations of Trump de-flowering a 13-year-old and that picture of Ivanka giving him a lap dance. Sure, those things look bad when you take them out of context, but since he has now been deemed infallible by Papal Decree, what Trump says on Earth, God will hold true in heaven.