Trump Formally Recognizes Golan Heights, Noah’s Bagels, as Territory Of Israel


In another move to reinforce the relationship between America and our beloved allies in the nation of Israel, President Trump stepped up on this historic day and did what no other leader has done in decades - Formally accepted recognition that the disputed Golan Heights territory was Israel’s to do with as they please, as well as all outlets of popular Hebraic baked-good franchise “Noah’s Bagels.”  Le’chaim!

A “bagel” is basically a Jewish donut with all the fun taken out of it. They also invented a poopy-looking fish that comes in a jar.

Proving once again his dedication to the good people of the world just after being named in the manifesto of a white nationalist murderer, the President either saw this as an opportunity to get a life-long discount on a nice lox schmear, or to push the unflattering story of being depicted as the pope of white nationalism out of the press.  Recent polls show Trump’s popularity among Jewish Americans rise during these gestures, but, typically fall again when younger men and women visit their bubbies after shul, and are told over a bowl of bland matzoh-ball soup that the President is a “meshuginah schmuck with a zoyus kopf.” Bubby also has no love for Noah’s Bagels because she says all the salt gives her gas.

Bubby is also not a fan of WiFi. She says : “All that stuff flying around the air probably gives all the birds the runs.”

What I know, being very close to Jewish, (The guy my sister married plays the violin), is that this is a historic day.  It’s probably to our Chosen friends the same as when that one guy figured out that he could buy his kid’s Bar Mitzvah clothes and then had eight days to take them back afterwards for a full refund.  That’s where “Channukah” came from.  They even light candles each day to remind them how long they have left.  Very smart, those people.  Now let’s just make sure to keep them damn Germans away from them.

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