Study: Disproportionately Large Percentage of Male Trump Supporters Suffers From Repressed Homosexuality

A recent study published in the Southwest Alabama Journal of Human Sexuality conducted what could well be one of the largest studies ever of male sexual behavior by party affiliation. 500 male volunteers from each of the following political groups were selected: Republican Trump supporters, Democrats, independents and Libertarians.

While Democrats and independents were found to have sexual tendencies largely in line with those found in studies of the population at large, Libertarians tended to exhibit a laissez-faire, or “anything goes” attitude towards sexuality, thus mirroring their political ideology. So no surprises there.

However, of the total of 2,000 participants in the study, fully 91% of those found to suffer from repressed homosexuality were in the Trump supporter group. Prof. Dr. Art Tubolls, principle investigator of the study, explains:

“While on the surface this result might seem surprising to most, it really isn’t when you take a deeper dive into some of the factors involved. Repressed people in general tend to be angry at the world, frequently lash out and are always looking for someone to look up to. For male Trump supporters, the President is their “Bear”, or “Big Daddy”: someone who tells them it’s OK to lash out and who reinforces their hatred against those that aren’t repressed. Look at any Trump rally and you’ll see why.”

Reached at his home in Indiana, Steve Aschenbecher, one of the volunteers in the study and an ardent Trump supporter, refuted the results:

“We’re not gay, and we’re certainly not repressed. I mean, just because I said I was Homecoming Queen at the Gay Pride Parade last doesn’t mean I’m gay. It was a joke. It made me feel all fuzzy inside and it was great to hang out with all the other Trump supporters dressed in leather with their whips and stuff, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

Well, so that’s that. Is the study correct? Of course it isn’t. It doesn’t even exist. Neither does anyone mentioned in this article. If you fell for it, then you just might be a tater.

About Watt A Plonker 21 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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