Hillary Clinton was visiting the new Uranium One factory she helped build in St. Petersburg, Russia this morning when she vanished without a trace. Because some immediately suggested that the Russian government may have been involved because of the sensitive nature of her visit, the first thing authorities looked for was foul play.
Russia responded quickly by sending its top investigative team to question everyone in the area. Russian Defense Minister, Artoli Tubollskovich, said they now fear is could be even worse:
“Important American Lady comes to Russia and disappear and all you America think Vlad Putin came down and whack her with the gun he use to kill Kennedy. You morons make us lose valuable time. Now we pick up trail and guess what…wolves. Da. I said wolves. Is St. Petersburg. I can hit Arctic Circle with rock.”
Apparently, Clinton snuck out of the Uranium One Welcome Convention, which was hosted at the St. Pete Marriott by Iran and North Korea. Officially, she was there as a member of a “charitable organization,” the Clinton Foundation, to “oversee” the official transfer of the uranium she sold to Russia to a weapons factory in Tehran.
Until she disappeared, there was no official record that she left her house in New York. None of it makes sense.
The Russian Federation Special Forces Wolf-Tracking Division says they’re on the case, but they’re more focused on recovery now than a rescue:
“American Lady is digesting. We’ll find most of her bones and hair, but it will take a few days to recover the rest. This is…typical. Wolves are carnivores. It’s not their fault she went outside alone in the dark.”
Clinton reportedly went out to burn a doob after spending “too much time around Trump’s crowd.” Rest in peace, traitor.