Hillary Clinton’s victim list increased by two today when the aide she was strangling grabbed a pencil from her desk and stabbed the former Secretary in the neck. According to the coroner, both women died on the scene.
Investigators trying to piece the crime scene together determined that the aide, Sandra Day O’Connor Batt, was probably involved with Bill Clinton sometime in the 1990s, and that Hillary’s jealousy reached a boiling point last Wednesday at the Westchester Community Bingo Lounge on 14th.
“She was like a woman possessed. Sandy won the big jackpot and Hillary just…snapped. Nobody knew they worked together all those years ago.”
Hillary was heard shouting “I’ll f*cking kill you! You worthless whore!” as she was dragged from the center. Ms. Batt took the $400 prize and a coupon for a buy one get one entrée at Red Lobster. It was there, says the coroner, that things went poorly:
“Sandy decided to go for all you can eat shrimp and Hillary was there. She followed Sandy to the bathroom and dropped a noose made of piano wire from the adjacent stall and strangled poor Sandy nearly to death. When Clinton went to check her pulse, Sandy stuck the pencil she had been clutching since a devastating mini-golf loss earlier to a benign kidney tumor into her jugular and pulled it back out with a twist.
Poor Sandy, trapped beneath her, drowned in the blood of her own murderer. We don’t even know what to call that.”
For now, what we know is that Clinton was in the act of committing a felony when she was killed, so her death is felony murder. DC Police say they intend to press charges on Hillary’s corpse until she either “rots in hell or gives up her emails.”
Hillary hasn’t responded to requests for comment.