Sharia Lawfirm Files Suit Against Kentucky Bacon Festival


The annual Baggersville, Kentucky Bacon Festival takes place on the second weekend in August, hosting dozens of the south’s finest purveyors of the beloved pork product, and attended by thousands.  There’s bacon burgers, bacon fries, and even bacon coffee.  That is, there WAS, until this year, if Sharia Lawfirm Wolfram and Hart have their way.

The firm has filed suit in Kentucky’s state court to have the festival shut down on the grounds that it’s food service system has caused outbreaks of E-coli infections in the last three years and refuses state health inspection.  A total of fifty-seven people have died from attending the event within that period, and the firm alleges that management is grossly negligent with preparation and sanitation procedures. Festival director Zeke Fishraper disagrees.

“We ain’t got no use for no fancy health inspectors. First they say we hafta have separate lines fer the toilet’s water and the soda lines.  They want the employees a washin’ their hands all the time, and that’s wasted pay.  We keep the bacon fresh in good ol’ fashioned rolled-up carpets, same ones as always.  People get sick, that’s their business.  Ain’t no need for some lawyers come snoopin’ around.”

Little Ellie May Klumpf refreshes herself with a swim in the “Piggy Poo Pool.”

The firm cites dozens of obvious health code violations within the festival’s grounds, including the presence of rabid pigs in the “petting zoo”, employees suffering from untreated leprosy, and restrooms that are little more than saran-wrapped Cool Whip tubs.  It is seeking to close the festival temporarily until it complies with code.

Oh boy. Wait until they hear about October’s “Halloween Haunted House of Rusty Nails.”

Several Kentuckians have voiced opposition to the shutdown.  Local enthusiast Bertha Kankles gave a tearful testimony to the Baggersville Daily Queefer :

“I have eight beautiful childrens a cryin’ for Piggy Popsicles and rides on the bacon-wrapped horses.  Where am I aposed to take the little shits now?”

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