Nancy Pelosi Tests Positive

Rumors are circulating in Washington that Nancy Pelosi has been infected with COVID-19. According to a source inside her office who may or may not work there, Pelosi has been sluggish for a few days, and it’s most likely “not because of her drinking.”

While there is no confirmation to the rumor, the CDC has asked that Americans avoid contact with Nancy Pelosi for at least 2 weeks. Tours of her home in San Dimas have been canceled, and the picnic she was going to have with refugees to register them to vote has been postponed.

In addition to that, Pelosi’d day-to-day schedule has been released and there’s a list of things you want to avoid like the plague:

  • Pelosi will be at bingo at the Lake Wannaset clubhouse this Tuesday between 5 and 7 PM. People are being asked to either stay home or go to the neighboring game at Lake Kinnisewah.
  • Pelosi is scheduled to speak at a rally for illegals to hand out free medical cards on Wednesday at 9 AM in Jimmesonalo Park. While you should not attend, you should encourage the illegals in your circle to go, as they may need free condoms, needles, or an abortion.
  • Pelosi will be at the ABC Liquors on 3rd Street from 9 AM to noon on Thursday doing her weekly shopping. The store has agreed to shut down to sterilize afterward, but an over-abundance of caution is necessary.
  • Pelosi jogs in Gallewahoo Park every morning from 5 AM to 7 AM. Your dogs will still be safe, but if you’re going to be there, you should wear a mask.

The CDC has also stated that while masks may be in short sup[ply, a clean pair of boxer briefs or an unused thing will make suitable alternatives. As always, patriots, stay safe out there.

We’ll keep you updated on this developing story.

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