Pope Francis Approves Communion for Abortion Supporters


Somewhat buried in the news stories of the month, pushed back by more important discussions of Kamala Harris’s travel schedule and Joe Biden’s tie, another controversy has been brewing within the Catholic church.  A group of Bishops had been concerned about bestowing the Holy Communion rite on so-called “pro-choice” members of the flock.

In other words, anyone under 250.

That smoking ham hock seems to be extinguished, carved, eaten, and converted into waste matter now, as Pope Francis made an appearance yesterday to quash the entire ridiculous notion.

Special envoy Joe Barron was there to report on the Holy See’s shocking statements on the matter.

“Look, the church is open to everyone, and God hates the sin, not the sinner. Am I right?  Wait, let me check the Bible.  Got one right here.  Yep!  Right here.  This isn’t an institution to bring your political opinions into and try to insert them in unnecessarily, like Samuel Jackson in the last Saw movie.”

“Abortion is none of our business.  No one appointed us ‘judge of medical procedures’.  Don’t like it, don’t do it.  Why don’t you go yell at Israel where abortion is legal.  Or Peru.  Or any of the majority of countries that approve of it, unless you want to be like the SIX that don’t.  Stop screwing around.  Pope out.”

“Well golly, even I can get blessed? I can’t wait to tell my boyfriend Lindsey!”

Countries available for strictly anti-woman God-bothering know-nothings and fans of invasively preventing personal rights are free to move to Nicaragua, the Dominican Republic, or Honduras, for example, where abortion is banned.  Not Afghanistan, though.  Sorry.  Maybe you can throw in with you-know-who and change their minds.

Pope Francis is probably concerned that the church’s population has been steadily dropping for three decades now, as younger generations become less concerned about its mythology, and view it as a waste of time and energy.  I suppose if they have nothing better to do than sit around deciding who gets a glass of shitty wine and a cracker and who doesn’t, they might have a point.

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