The pope is said to have a direct connection to God.
So when Pope Francis told the world today that God instructed to amend the Ten Commandments, there was no reason to doubt him.
Late last night, Pope Francis announced that he’d had a vision from god in a dream.
“God came and spoke to me. Oh poo. That sounds sexual. Let’s change that. God appeared and spoke to me.
That reminds me of a joke about Mother Mary. It goes something like this …. A heavenly voice said to Mary ‘And an angel will come onto you’. To which Mary replied,’Gross! But whatever, just don’t get me pregnant!’ Hahaha! You know what happened next, right?
Anyway, the Big Gal and I chatted about this and that. She told me that I’m the best Pope ever. She said she was thinking about giving me eternal life so I’d always be pope. Cool, huh?
Oh yeah, by the way, God is a chick.
So another thing she said is that she wants me to change the 10 Commandments. She wants them cut from 10 to 5 because ten is too many for people to remember.
So here goes. The following Commandments are toast. Oh! And I made the cuts in consultation with American Evangelicals. They told me which ones they don’t care for and which behaviors, in fact, they wish to encourage:
Being envious of your neighbor’s stuff, like his wife, is ok now. Grab her by the pussy!
That said….adultery. Go for it
Sabbath Day holy? That’s a pretty standard golf day. Stricken.
Lord’s name on vain? Who gives a good goddamn?
And false evidence against others. Just do it. Smear ’em. Whatever it takes to win.
That leaves murder, stealing, no other gods, respecting mom and pop, and false idols. But there’s a lot of grey area with those too.
Have fun out there!”