CNN Wins Exclusive Rights to Air Impeachment


It was a brief but brutal bidding war, and in the end, cable news network CNN announced that it had come out on top in negotiations to win exclusive broadcasting rights to the impeachment of President Donald Trump.  The package is all-inclusive, covering hearings, testimony, discussion, trial, and eventually sentencing.

The segments will be sponsored by Big Al’s Waste Removal - Getting Rid of America’s Crap - like Trump.

Critics are arguing that the contract is overly presumptive, since no articles have yet been filed, nor has a date been positively set for an impeachment event.  CNN commentator Don Lemon dispelled such concerns :

“Well, the Mueller report details eleven instances of obstructing justice.  That’s just in the report.  Then, there’s the ongoing lawsuits dealing with Trump’s blatant violations of the emoluments clause of the Constitution.  He’s literally the only President in history to profit off the Presidency.  Eventually he has to be impeached.  If he was any more crooked, he’d be Melania’s breast implants.  This man is going to go down faster than Mike Pence at Jesus Camp.”

“Guys, Tim Gunn is already whipping me up an impeachment wardrobe. This is gonna RULE.”

The network is already putting into development a daily hour-long segment devoted to discussion of the impeachment, tentatively titled : “Orange You Glad You’re Not Trump”, scheduled during prime time.  Possible guests will include Micheal Cohen, Stormy Daniels, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and for some reason, comedian Gilbert Gottfried.  This could be the ratings bonanza CNN desperately needs.

“Can I hear the part about Jesus Camp again? It’s making me moist.”

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