George Soros and Volkswagen Group Buy NASCAR

many racing legends to lose jobs

Watt A Plonker Tater-Rage Inducing Satire

Soros Holdings International™ and the Volkswagen Aktiengesellschaft (VAG) announced in a joint press release today that they will become the majority stakeholder of the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing (NASCAR).

In a transaction reportedly worth 7.58 billion dollars, Soros and VW will own a 51 percent stake in the company. The newly established Soros VW Racing Group will take over management and day to day operations at NASCAR. Soros Holdings International™ is also a major stakeholder in the Volkswagen Aktiengesellschaft.

While Soros, VW, and NASCAR had been in talks for months, the decision to go ahead with the purchase was accelerated by recent developments such as the banning of Confederate flags and the disassociation of Daytona, Bristol and Talladega with the franchise, all of which had been threatening the long term viability of the beloved American pastime.

The purchase will also bring major changes to NASCAR, not all of which will delight fans. Among them:

  • Expanding operations to other countries, including Europe
  • Banning all political and religious displays, including MAGA hats and Trump/Pence t-shirts
  • Replacing American and Japanese auto brands with Volkswagen products such as the VW Golf, Audi A4 and the Bugatti Veyron
  • A new emphasis on recruiting drivers from minority groups, such as the LGBTQ+ community, Muslims and women
  • 50 percent of all drivers must be from minority groups, meaning many current drivers will likely lose their jobs

Soros VW Racing Group’s Rennleiter Joe Barron, himself a former race car driver on the European circuit, heralded the changes:

“Everyone in Germany has known for a long time that NASCAR sucks. We laugh about it all the time. It’s amateur hour. Americans wouldn’t know how to build a proper race car if their life depended on it. Germans are far superior engineers. Our cars not only have better and faster engines, but they are also more reliable.

Just look at how many American cars actually manage to finish a race. Hardly any. They’re junk. And the drivers suck, too. They’re constantly getting into accidents and smashing up valuable cars. Do you know how much a race car costs? We’re going to bring proper racing back to America.”

We told you most fans wouldn’t like the changes. We can only wait to see if NASCAR can survive this.

About Watt A Plonker 15 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.