Recent news has told us of the push to have President Trump’s great wall funded partially realized by diverting money away from unnecessary or outdated military needs like schooling children or defending fickle allies. However, it’s Congress that holds the power of the purse, and Nancy “One For the Road” Pelosi is in charge of that particular handbag. Today, the Congressional Budget Office revealed that she has diverted nearly 8 billion dollars of that funding to buy and place Spanish language voting machines across the country.
The machines are built in Mexico by the Tapatio hot sauce company, and cost somewhere around five thousand dollars each, meaning that Pelosi may be ordering more of these machines than there are actually voting districts in the country. When our investigative department attempted to contact Mrs. Pelosi for an explanation, our call was diverted to a recording of Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez singing the theme from “Shaft.” However, we did reach Sandra Batternut, a Congressional page, who shed some light on the matter :
“Well, it was Mr. Trump himself who claimed that millions of ‘illegal’ votes gave Hillary the popular. Despite absolutely no evidence of such a thing occurring and his propensity to simply pull stuff out of his ass. But, just in case, right, we’d need to accommodate all these secret undercover voters. Hey, basically, it was HIS idea. Plus, he’s never going to get that ridiculous motherf*cking cartoon wall.”
The machines will begin rolling out into polling places in time for the 2020 election season, each with its own taco truck and Mariachi band.