Kolfage : Portrait of an American Hero

The truth is right in front of you.

 Brian Kolfage is an American hero. He served in Iraq until he decided he knew better than his superiors and disobeyed a direct order. This resulted in him being a quintuple amputee, having lost both arms, both legs, and his soul in an explosion. 

This last was evidenced when he launched a campaign a few years back to raise money for US Veterans. Though millions were donated by charitable Americans, exactly none made it into veteran hands. Instead, all was used to add to the personal wealth of his own family. This is the tragedy of having your soul blown up. This is the devastation of war. And Kolfage is the ultimate victim. 

Brian Kolfage relaxing at home.

His latest charitable endeavour has been to start the “Build the Wall” campaign, an effort to raise funds from the public to get our southern border wall built after congress dragged its feet with the necessary government funding. 

And it’s been a huge success. Over $10 million was raised  - enough to build a full mile of wall. Unfortunately, it was then revealed that PFC Kolfage lost another part of himself in battle ….his brain. It seems that it is against the law for government to accept private donations for the project. It’s likely Kolfage knew this so this is not where his brainlessness came to light. Rather, the revelation came when he figured the intelligent members of the American public wouldn’t see right through him and realize he knew this and had planned to shrug his shoulders to keep the money for himself. Or maybe it was both. Who knows? He’s pretty dumb. 

Undaunted, Bri-Bri has recently begun construction on private property bordering Mexico. The tragedy of his lost grey matter was then shown again. He lacked permits and so had to shut down with a cease and desist order being placed upon further construction. He has defied this and faces prosecution. He kind of had to after reports that he’d “appropriated” over $1 million of the donated funds for “administrative costs” in the form of a luxury yacht. 

Proving his mind was blown in the war, Bri Bri didn’t even hide his big boat purchase.

Brian Kolfage has lost so much because of his selflessness in serving our nation. Yet he continues to be selfless. It’s just that because of his amputated soul and brain, he doesn’t know what that means. 

About Fired Writer 258 Articles
I refused to evolve and wrote fake news for cash, so I got fired.

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