In the Information Age, sooner or later, everyone’s secrets come out. It’s pretty much impossible these days to hide one’s past, but those in political life still try. This is true of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She tried to cover it up, she tried to keep knowledge of her history from the public, but now we know her dirty little secret.
Well, not so little actually. For you see, Cortez has a criminal past. And it’s not for something petty like shoplifting bread or being drunk in public. No, her arrest was much more hardcore. In August of 2009, current congresswoman, Ocasio-Cortez was handcuffed by the NYPD for possession of cocaine with intent to distribute. For you see, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was a drug dealer.
The revelation of her incarceration came to us from her former neighbor in her hometown of Port Moody, NY, Mr. Joe Barron. Barron, himself a reformed drug dealer and gang member, came forward because, as he said, “he couldn’t stand to see such a degenerate in a position of power any longer.” In his own words:
“Miss Cortez – we called her Little Nani back in the day because, well, another time – she had a rough reputation. She was very intimidating, despite her small size. The temper on that girl! Nobody messed with her. You wouldn’t know it to look at her now but she was a badass.
Anyway, I was there when she was busted. The cops caught her with a bag….no, A SACK of blow. I’m proud to say I’m the one who called the police on her. She was in my territory. I had to eliminate the competition and that did it cleanly, you know?
She tried to say she was innocent but they weren’t having it. They slapped on the cuffs and hauled her sweet ass to jail. I laughed and laughed.”
PMPD spokesman José Berone gave us this statement in response to our request for comment :
“The charges were dropped. Miss Cortez carried nothing more than flour. I have nothing more to say.”
That was quite a terse response from the police Sargent. It was as if he was hiding something. Our investigation continues.