Robert Mueller was apprehended at Reagan National Airport this evening attempting to board an Emirates 747 bound for Kumar. According to a confused airport security guard, Mueller presented ID for “Mr. Mojo Risin” and said he had to go:
“It was almost like someone had dosed him with acid. We walked him into the back room, very peacefully, while he mouth-mumbled the bass line to Peace Frog. He said he was this Risin character. I mean…he’s the second most recognizable person in DC next to Stormy Daniels.”
Authorities are unsure why Mueller wanted to get out so badly or so quickly. His bank accounts had been cleared out and his house, which was mortgaged to the hilt, was found on fire with “No one here gets out alive” spray painted on the garage door.
The Justice Department says it isn’t exactly sure why Mueller would be taking a fake name and fleeing the country, other than what his report may have concluded about Hillary Clinton. Legal analyst and Wypipo taco chef, Art Tubolls, explains:
“If Mueller concluded that Clinton was guilty of…anything and she found out? He’s running for his life. There’s also the possibility that Mueller had a deal with Clinton for an indictment against Trump or Don Jr. that he failed to follow through on. Either way, he’s probably thinking he has a bright red target painted on him.”
Whatever his reasons, he failed. Mueller will be returned to his home in Scottsdale since he hasn’t technically done anything wrong, but may God have mercy on his soul.