Pope Francis: ‘Trump is Leviathan, The Beast, The Destroyer’

Adding to the current climate of dread and morbidity that is passing across the globe these solemn lately, a sermon by Pope Francis televised and streamed world-wide from the Vatican sent chills through the hearts of many of the faithful early this morning, just hours before the great Holy day of Easter.  The pontiff made a grim speech referencing the Book of Revelations, and referred to American President Donald Trump as: “Leviathan, the great Beast, and harbinger of Death.”

The announcement is expected to send the stock market into a spiral once again, and is already formenting a climate of anger towards the President in Latin and middle-American regions, with millions of Christians and Catholic devotees calling for his removal before it becomes too late to avoid Armageddon, the Bible’s fortelling of the End of Days.  An excerpt of the declaration:

“My children, the Lord came unto me in a vision this last night, riding a pale horse and with a sword of fire.  His robes were of wormwood, and the sword was blessed with plus three towards damage against paladins and clerics.  There would be no roll for a save, for no face of the twenty-sided die would bring salvation.  Donald Trump was named ‘Leviathan’, the Beast, the Destroyer of Worlds, the festering Collins of Genesis.  We must persevere against his unholy rule before it becomes too late and Satan has his way.”

Joe Barron of the Knights of the Holy Cracker told media sources that such graphic predictions are seriously troubling:

“Yeah, the Pope isn’t screwing around.  He’s the chosen ear and voice of God.  Also the nose of God, but that part rarely comes into play.  Trump is ushering in the End, man.  He’s the champion of Hell and it’s minions.  That’s not good for America.  At the very least, it’s going to crush sales of outerwear.  Nobody is going to want to burn alive in an Old Navy pullover.  Or leave it crumpled on the sidewalk should they be raptured.  Not at $17.95.  That’s awful.”

For now, Vatican aides have hidden the pontiff away while trying to quell fears of chaos in the streets.  But many of the blessed are left fearfully wondering: Is this It?  And if so, should I have watched more Davy and Goliath cartoons to have prepared?