Trump, Devos, To Pull Funding From All Orphanages


Betsy Devos and President Trump are making one point perfectly clear : We can certainly afford a giant multi-billion dollar wall to stop airplanes on the southern border - but our children are just going to have to step up and hang in there for a bit.

After Secretary Of Education Betsy Devos heroically announced that she would pull all funding for the Special Olympics last week, it became a public relations disaster.  Luckily, President Trump quickly stepped in and reversed the future decision that hadn’t yet happened like a Marvel superhero whose power is to make the past sadder by sending dick moves back from the future, and whose weakness is vocabulary.

“Quick Pence! The hooker with my adderall is getting away!”

This morning, flanked by Devos, the President announced that the upcoming budget would cut 145 million dollars of funding to America’s orphanages.  From the Rose Garden, Trump explained :

“Look, it’s not like the other kids.  The special Olympics ones.  These are regular kids.  They can take it.  Okay?  They’re not the Special kind.  We’re sorry about that.  The special kids.  Stopped it.   I stopped that one.  Only President ever.  Okay?  Saved the specials.  Believe me.  Only President.  Special.  Stopped.  Special Olympics stopped special President ever.”

Jesus, next to the way this reject talks, a valedictorian I am.

In a late addition to the story, it’s rumored that the pair will also call for the SPCA to begin exterminating puppies and kittens for no reason other than to crack them up.

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