It is looking more and more likely that some team is going to cave in to pressure from Commissioner Roger Goodell and sign Colin Kaepernick to a contract to hold a clipboard as their backup quarterback. National chain restaurant Country Kitchen Buffet, whose sole location is in South Park, Colorado, believes that he is their ticket to expanding into multiple locations.
Their advertising campaign will target liberal basement-dwelling social justice warriors who have kept Hot Pockets and Totino’s Pizza Rolls in high demand. In the commercial, Kaepernick is expected to enjoy all of the foreign foods like spaghetti and meatballs, chimichangas, and German chocolate cake while ignoring the American foods like hot dogs, doughnuts, and apple pie.
He’s probably gonna wipe his face with a flag in the commercial too.
President and CEO Sandy Batt explained the insanity:
“We’re trying to attract the younger crowd. The big challenge is that most of them don’t have cars, don’t have jobs, and live on their mom’s meatloaf in their parents’ basements. We could serve the same bland food that we do to the older folks but that is a strategy that will lead to failure once they are no longer able to come out for their 3 o’clock suppers.
We want a second chance with the younger generation just like Colin Kaepernick wants one with the NFL. It is a perfect match. He can write his script and do what he wants in the commercial and we know it will get the younger people out here.
We’re also gonna have ‘Mom’s Meatloaf’ on the line every Tuesday.”
If Country Kitchen Buffet actually signs Kaepernick as their spokesperson, it will drive away all of their patriotic customers, leaving them to die a quick and expected death. Let them know that you won’t support them if they choose to make him the spokesperson.
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