Biden Drops Ten Points in Polls After Opening For Coldplay


Joe Biden’s presidential run is off to a rocky start in only it’s first week, after campaign strategists made the evidently unwise decision to have the former Vice President serve as the opening act for bland uninspiring emo-pop artist Coldplay.  Rumors are spreading that staff members responsible for the blunder may be dismissed as early as today.

Biden campaign organizer Phil T. Rottenballs, who previously worked with both the Clinton and Carter organizations, told the Washington Queefer his take on the volatile situation :

“I think the idea was to try to make Joe a little more popular and accessible to the younger voter.  We had originally thought of putting him in Coachella with the Imagine Dragons, but it fell through.  Coldplay was pretty much open, but we underestimated their audience.  It was mostly thirty-five year old virgins with Volkswagon Jettas.  I mean, Joe tried opening with a couple of jokes, and some people actually cried.  Someone tried to kill himself by curling up inside a garbage can and holding his breath.  It wasn’t pretty, but we’ll learn from our mistakes.  Biden 2020.”

A photo from 2015 shows the band just minutes before they were beaten severely by Joe Satriani.

The band, touring to support their newest album : “Soudtrack For a Vasectomy” declined to comment on the matter specifically, however frontman Chris Martin did offer audience members free “I’m With Her 2016” T-shirts during a weepy rendition of the band’s pussy ballad “Yellow”.


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