*President Trump has just taken a bold move against anti-fascism. Using his power to define things as he sees fit, Trump has officially designated Antifa a “terrorist” organization, despite the fact that it is not an organization but a movement, has no designated membership of any kind, and has had no participant at any time arrested for harming an American citizen. The decree serves as yet another fine example of a clueless official listening to the yammering of his schizophrenic base of know-nothing bumbletwats.
Now, fictional General and lead commander of Antifa’s imaginary third division, Joe “The Jewbear” Barron has a chilling announcement to make, delivered on YouTube video and tagged to many key administration members. The message is as follows:
“July 4tth. Independence Day. This is the day that all over America, we will rise up. Do you hear me Trump? Every major city. That’s right. Bake sales.”
“We and all of our troops will be working with our children and grandchildren to create delicious cupcakes, pies, donuts and hundreds of other baked confectionaries. We will be setting up tables and selling everything very affordably, with all the proceeds donated to the Wounded Warrior project to help our heroic vets. They are the original antifas, who kept us safe in freedom to be who we are. So start saving up a few bucks and some spare change and wait until the 4th. *President Trump, we even have some healthy low-cal recipes for you. Please stop by. We’d love to have you.”
It is, of.course, possible that the *President and his parade of dimwitted chiba monkey supporters don’t know what “antifa” means, only that they saw scary pictures of young people in masks. Well now, thanks to Donald The Incompetent, everyone wears a mask. So get your cash ready. It’s gonna be a great fourth!