After 20 years of conflict, over two trillion dollars and thousands of American lives lost, the Biden administration recently withdrew from the nation of Afghanistan. Widely seen as an excellent move and done with class, intelligence, and a marvel of military engineering, the pull-out is being happily celebrated by the White House staff this week.
Parties have been the run of the day at 1600 Pennsylvania avenue, with invitations drawing such luminaries as Denis Leary, Sting, and country music’s own Joe “Squiggly Legs” Barron. Ticketmaster reports that some seats are still available for this upcoming weekend.
Biden told revelers that he’s proud to take credit for the entire two decades of unnecessary warfare, and appreciates all the news coverage congratulating him.
“I’d just really like to thank our news organizations for their reporting. The whole ‘leaving the equipment behind for the Taliban’ narrative has really served to inflame Trump’s little army of dimwits. It was the Afghan army, by the way. But don’t sweat the details.”
Biden took a moment to backflip down a red-lined corridor at the national mall and then join his wife Jill for a raucous cheer and shots of Tequila before continuing.
“I’m so glad that President Bush started this completely unnecessary and pointless conflict after dazing through 9/11 and putting our people in harm’s way with no plan and no exit strategy. But at least thanks to Donald Trump for negotiating the exit with the Taliban. Look, an accomplishment! That, plus killing that horrendous blueberry vape are his greatest shining moments.”
Trump had no response to the speech other than to continue to push his childish bullshit about “rigged” elections and how vaccines make people into DNA-less mutants or something.
So feel free to join in the celebrations at home, patriots! It’s a great time to be an American. And a better time to be a Republican war profiteer.