Clinton Foundation Invests $2.2 Billion in Internet Voting Systems


During its existence, Bill and Hillary Clinton’s charitable foundation has been investigated numerous times, often in response to unfounded allegations of money laundering and fraudulent business practice.  It has come away clean every time, sporting a higher trustability rating than even the venerable Red Cross, and is responsible for saving countless lives through humanitarian outreach and medicine distribution.  Now, however, it seems the Clintons have decided to invest in more close-to-home causes.

For instance, Bill has acquired “KimsKans”, a mobile app that keeps a running daily measurement of the famous Kardashian’s ass measurements.

According to Sandy Batt, the compiler of Teabagger Paranoia magazine’s Investment Watch section, the foundation has put forth nearly 2.2 billion dollars to invest in “Ridding America of Dumbassery”, or “R.A.D.”, a start-up company developing systems and software to create secure online internet voting.   R.A.D.’s board members include trillionaire and noted human microchipper Bill Gates, liberal songstress Taylor Swift, and both of Nancy Pelosi’s daughters, Rainbow and Brite.

Chuck Schumer has twin boys named “Liam” and “Neeson.” Both boys have been reported missing several times and recovered.

R.A.D.’S mission statement is “Moving the Ammerican voting process into the 21st century and out of the liver-spotted mitts of the boomerz”, (the final word purposefully spelled with a ‘z” presumably to frustrate an older base with a reference to “hip-hop” slang.)  Founded in 2016 after a disastrous election widely believed to be the biggest mistake in our country’s history, the Silicon Valley start-up boasts a never-before-seen Cyberdine T-1000 encryption system that utilizes “liquid metal” servers to store and protect voter’s private information.

The foundation estimates that having a viable voting option that is internet based could broaden the scope of voters by nearly 35%, most of whom will probably register as Democrats by November of 2020.  Whether you love them or hate them and want them locked up for the imaginary crimes that are running around in your feverishly irrational head, the Clintons sure seem to be counting on a digital revolution.

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