Coke Introduces Muslamian Cola

The Coca-Cola Bottling Company is always introducing new flavors to their line-up. Some are well received, some total failures. But even through the flops, the company as a whole continues on, the failures nothing more than a blip to their bottom line. Their newest offering may be the one whose failure - and probable ensuing boycott - they will not recover from.

Just in time for Christmas, Coke will introduce “Coca-Cola ‘Muslamiam Style'” to the crowded cola market. It will be filled with “traditional Muslamiam beverage ingredients, none of which the average American has ever heard of, so we won’t bother you with the details,” Coke said in their printed press release announcement.

We at TGT decided to try the sample cans that were released to the press. Conducted in the manner of a blind taste test, staff members were sat down with two cups labelled “A” and “Other Stuff” in front of them. “A” contained the Coke we’ve all come to know and love. The other cup contained the crap with Musselman ingredients. Participants were not told which was which. Invariably, each tester smiled with joy and rubbed their tummies after sipping the Coke but when they tried the new product, they began to retch uncontrollably, eventually ending in forceful projectile  vomiting. The conclusion was clear. Muslamian Coke tasted  like donkey droppings.

Calls for a boycott of all Coke products have already surfaced. It is widely thought in economics of soft drinks circles that this introduction will doom the once proud bottler.