Ghislaine Maxwell Found Dead - Coroner Rules Homicide

Less than a week after she was found guilty on five of six child sex trafficking related charges, Gishlaine Maxwell, the daughter of publishing magnate Robert Maxwell, has been found dead.

She had faced up to 65 years in federal prison which, at her age of 60, would have amounted to a life sentence.

The death occurred in her jail cell at the notorious Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn, New York. It is perhaps more than coincidence that this is the very same jail where Jeffrey Epstein, her former lover and alleged co-conspirator committed “suicide”.

Maxwell had reportedly been negotiating with prosecutors after her conviction to reduce her sentence to 5 years in exchange for cooperating with the US Attorney’s Office. Purportedly she had offered to identify other celebrities involved in the Epstein sex trafficking ring, including former president Bill Clinton.

Her death is highly suspicious in that it occurred under almost identical circumstances as those of Epstein: she had been on suicide watch, yet at the time of her death the jail’s surveillance cameras had inexplicably ceased to function and the correctional officers charged with watching her were both on lunch break.

She had even been issued a special prison jumpsuit designed to protect her from attacks by fellow inmates as well as prevent her from committing suicide.

Adding to the highly suspicious circumstances, New York City Coroner Kenneth McCormick has ruled her death a homicide:

“I’ve never seen anything like it. How could this possibly have happened, given all of the precautions that were supposedly taken at MDC?

She was found still clothed in her special jumpsuit, yet someone had somehow given her a giant wedgie, which restricted her blood flow and caused her to pass out. Unable to fight back, she was then subjected to a series of brutal wet willies, followed by a massage with a rather unhappy ending, which ultimately led to her demise.”

Maxwell spokesman Stan Marsh was heartbroken:

“Oh my God! They killed Ghislaine! You bastards! She was the sweetest, most innocent woman in the world!”

Further adding to the mystery is that allegedly Hillary Clinton had been seen touring the jail the day before, ostensibly on a humanitarian mission to assess the veracity of inmate complaints concerning the lack of access to South Park episodes on their television sets.

Now, if you’ve made it this far through the story and still think it is true, you are an extremely gullible tater, or, as those on the sane end of the political spectrum affectionately call you, a Potatriot™.